life

Miss my life...:(..not mine anymore

2010-05-09T12:58:00.000-07:00

last few days ..cudn't talk to her...socha tha nahi sochenge uske baarein mein...bt hota nahi...aise shayad kisi din baat na bhi ho to utna bura na lagey..bt yeh baat ki woh kisi aur ke saath hai dekha nahi jaata..woh hai to meri ..kisi aur ki kaise ho sakti hai...pichel 4 dino mein 3 dosto ko dekha apni-2 friend ke saath..kya dekha yaar jaise dekha waise hi nazar hata li..bahut yaad dilata hai tumhari...bas ek hi cheez dimag mein aati hai ambika...I miss u..I will always love y ou..tarah -2 ki baatein aati hai dimag mein..kaise nikalu...kya karu chala jau kya tumse door..pata nahi reh paunga ki nahi..ki isi guilt mein mar jaunga ki baat nahi hoti.wiase bhi jee to nahi pa raha hu....I miss u...kya kahu...leave me to die bcoz tumhe apne siwa kisi aur ke saath dekhna marne se bhi zyada bura lagta hai.. mein itna bura nahi..kisi aur sekbahi pyaar nahi kar paunga....kabhi bhi nahi..

not answerable...:)

2010-04-05T10:36:00.000-07:00

I waited for last six days waiting to hear that I am not answerable to you...sounds nice...:)...I never asked her anything during 2 years....it was now that because we had been taking for last 8 months regularly that i just asked her to talk to me...and the answer I got was " I am nt answerable to you, I am nt at all answerable to you"...kya bole yaar...bura lagta..zyda kuch nahi bas bura lagta hai...

chodo...mein hi kamzor hu...I deserve dis..i am happy...:)
kuch galat to nahi soch atha uske baarein mmein...but i deserve this ..I am happy...
I am all smiling...ek hi galti hai ki mein use chahna nahi chod sakta...chahke bhi nahi chod sakta...ek baar oyaar se bolti hai to lagta hai dunniya rakh do uske liye...

koi nahi galti kahi meri hi hogi..kyunki woh achi hai..duniya ki sbse pyaari bachi hai...

it hurts....it actually does..

2010-04-04T12:18:00.001-07:00

Is there anything in this world which is more painful than seeing the ONE you love loving someone else...It kills you...it surely does...They would never understand this pain..actually its not their fault..its me who is at fault..I have no right to feel bad..she is not mine..But I can't stop loving her...She is the only person I have loved...but I don't want to die..Its killing me.... I wan't her back...she would never say that she loves me....till when will I crave for her...is dis my destiny that i will have to see her wid some else all my life... I can't take this... Feels as if I am just waiting to die..infact dying every second....

I can do anything for my love but she will never come back...She gave that guy more than 3 to show what she means to him...why was i not given even 3 months....I trust my love and can challenge that no one can love their love as much as I love her...Am ready to take on anything just to make her smile...she is happy wid her fren..she smiles wid him..will she evr come back to me..do i have to see her wid some one else all my life...I bet I can do that if she is happy wid dat...but trust me I will die wid every passing day... may be i am selfish..I want her to feel like a princess...the only thng i want is that she has to be mine... I no she will never come back and i wil keep craving for her all my life.....she passed by my city but did not come to see me....I kept waiting for her..it was 10 0clock in the morning and I had not slept the entire night....I knew that she was not coming but somehow my heart said that she might come...I went half to the station and came back..didn't have the strength to see my beloved with someone else....

mein itna bura nahi hu...i always wanted to do everything for u ..but khud se...shayad isi intezar meinkho diya..ekmauka to deke dekho mere dost..u will never regret it...U will be loved more than anyone else on this planet...will die to make u smile..just be mine...i can live without u..but i will die every second...U are an angel..I want to see you sleep infront of me...i want to keep my head in your lap...i want to hold you in my hands...I want to smell your breath...I wan to hold your face in my hands and tell you what you are to me...I just want you to tell you how do I see you..wht you mean to me...I just want you..that is the only thing I want from my life....without you everyhting seems fake, hollow...U r da only one who makes me complete...I miss you...

2010-02-19T13:33:00.000-08:00

I dnt know why am I writing this after having known her for 6 years. I talked to her when i was a 17 year old boy and saw her on a birthday pary. Actually I was too shy to lift my face up and see this beautiful girl. But I knew that I have something for her. I did not understand the meaning of love then but I liked her very much. We started talking to each other a lot. Now then exploded a bomb. She was caught and scolded by her parents.. She saved me.But I was upset cudn''t tell this to her.We jioned the same coaching for jee preparation. Hum dono roj milte the. I still remember the afternoon brunch we had in piza vizza. Actually we just had coldrink. Time passed and I started going to her place we came really close. I cleared jee she din't. She asked me to select bhu i din't, my first and perhaps the biggest mistake. I cam to kanpur and she went to pune. Long distance , misunderstandings.I did not give time to her, apparently din't care for her...bt i never realised that i was doing this before 14th december 2006 when she told me that she had had enough and doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. I still wish dat she had never told this.I was shocked. I didn't want to believe it was true. To be honest this was the first time I realised what place she has in my life. It seemed as if everything had come to an end. I was a dead man. Cried like anything for the next two months before I went to c her on 14th feb in pune. stayed in pune 4 da next two days bt cudn't understanding why i was der and wat was happening. I just knew that I love her. I came back and tym passed by. The distance between me and her kept on increasing. She had found a freind. I was still craving for her. After my internship in 2nd year i againwent to puneto c her. Our relationship was playing games wid us like a seasaw. This tym it was oon a high so i went to c her.Bt den again it never became normal as it was wen we were together. in the next 2 years i had kind of accepted dat she is gone bt i had a hope dat wen her freind graduates she might come bak bt a very faint chance.during dese 2 yrs though i missed her badly but i had told my mind she is nt urs.everything was normal before her freind graduated. she started calling me. i cudn't undstd wat was happening. i wanted her bak bt i was scared of being hurt. din't no wat to do bt den deccided to try to get her bak bcoz lyf sabko dusra chance nhi deti.did everything i cud to get a smile on her face.i love her. she is da most beautifull part of my life . i can't live widout her. i want to make her happy bt i onlly manage to make her sad.

............

2010-02-19T11:40:00.000-08:00

Seems I write this blog only when I feel like talking to my inner self.I still don't know what it actually is. The last time I wrote this was in a foreign land where people didn't understand my language and now though everybody thinks that they understand my language but I still don't think they do. Nothing seems to fall in place. Looks if I sow a seed for a plant to grow it kills the ones already grown.
I don't know what to do. Should I keep a fake smile on my face. Is it right. Is is so that one should learn how to fake oneself if you want to remain happy.
There is this girl I love madly. Is it true? I don't even know that or may be I love her too much to let her know that I love her.We were together 4 years ago. I did not care for her ( as it seemed ) and she left. I realised my mistake tried to do everything I could to make her feel special without hurting her but hten it was not to be. I don't know what to do. Seems I don't have the right to get mad at anyone. For sure not at the ONE I love. But I want to or may be not. I don't know what. This is just one part.
I am an engineer. My parents expect me to earn and so do I. I don't have a job. What next. I don't know.I am dying if not physically mentally for sure. I have lost my stability. I am a bastard or Am I not? I don't know. May be this is what i deserve

Internship '09

2009-06-20T20:38:00.000-07:00

I never knew that I will do my internship in a land where I am right know. It was supposed to be in a Steel Company in India (atleast that is what I thought). Seems it is rightly said what you never know what "life has in store for you". It all started on 28th of May when I left my hometown for my internship. Although I have been living away from my family for last 6 years but this was one of those very few moments when I felt nostalgic while leaving my place, my family. On 29th of May I was right there on Indira Gandhi International Airport trying to talk to every friend and family member of mine before boarding my flight. I had no one to see me off on the airport and wave hands as I depart but the very fact that there were more well wishers(mummi,papa,bhaiya,didi,anshu,mausi ,mamaji-Just to mention a few,I could not resist mentioning them) back home than the number of passengers on the whole flight gave me the kick to go ahead and make my family proud.

The flight took off and I was on my way to a different nation called "Japan". I met this japaneese lady named "Sanae" in flight. Her seat was just next to mine. We soon became friends and spent almost the whole night talking about each others country.
Since I had to change two trains after deboarding the flight she helped me out. She was a very kind lady as was also evident from the profession she was in (she worked for an NGO for the upliftment of orphans over the globe).

It was around 1300 hrs on 30th May and I had arrived in Sendai- the city where I was going to spend my next two months.